Hi Everyone!

I have been absent for a couple of weeks it feels, but I am still here.  I am still in inbetween land with our next move,  so no news on our front yet.  The conversation about what we decide to do next is still lurking, but its kind of heads in sand right now….

In the meanwhile I want to share my colleague Dawn Davenport’s show on BlogTalkRadio which she does weekly, and regularly has professionals from the Reproductive community on her show as guests, so there is some great information on all sorts of topics regarding Fertility Issues.  Here is the link to go to her latest show which discusses the pros and cons of going to the option of donor eggs or sperm.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/creatingafamily/2009/02/11/Are-you-Ready-to-Move-to-Donor-Eggs-or-Sperm

I hope you find the information interesting and useful.

In the meanwhile, I can update you that I will be starting my Fertility show again in March,  where the first show will be a coaching panel with myself and Connie Barrow Peebles, talking to women going through the fertility journey.   We’ll discuss how to keep on track with life balance, taking steps to take care of yourself and all other questions you might have in this regard.  We are looking forward supporting you on your journey.  This type of show might become a regular feature depending on its success.  Come and support us!  If you have any questions that you would like answered on the show, please send them to me at louise@keystoclarity.com , or call in on the live show.  Details will be posted shortly.

You can access archived podcasts of various topics regarding Fertility at

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/KeystoClarity-coach

Warmly,

Coach Louise

yes, not really looking forward to all that again!

Hi dear ttc friends,

Well, things are hanging up in the air right now…. Yes, I was meant to start an IVF treatment in January, then we moved it to February… then….   Well, the other day DH said that neither of us had really addressed anything to instigate getting the next treatment started, and what did that mean?…  We both very briefly (I was half asleep in bed, and he was rushing out the door) talked about the resistance we both had about getting started with all of ‘that’, and also DH said that he was feeling more comfortable not having a baby, because he had grown in the last year to understand that we didn’t need a baby to make us more of a family, or for him to be happy, that he realised that he was accessing joy and happiness with other things that excited him and got him inspired.   As he hasn’t been working for the last year, I know he realises that there are financial stresses that wouldn’t help me through the treatment either to support a positive outcome.  Our bodies can be very intuitive like that.    That was kind of where we left it, but I know he needed to say it, as it seemed like a weight off his mind.

So where did that or does that leave me…  its so difficult not to jump into blaming, accusing, assuming all of these that are so destructive to maintaining positive communication in a relationship. I have had a couple of days to think about it, and let it settle before we continue the conversation.    At first – there was  an immediate understanding because I had been through a similar process of personal growth myself, which allowed me to express my fertility in other creative areas of my life.  Then – there was anger, because it felt like he had already made up his mind (assumption!!!!) and then- a what if I want to carry on? in my mind, thinking that that option might be closed to me.( another assumption!)   I think just the idea that we might be shutting the door on creating a life, was a little scarey to me.   The selfish part of me, also sees a future as a lonely old woman with no-one to visit her, I want kids and their kids to visit me!  But I am happy right now as my life is!  There’s a conundrum!

Well, we will have the rest of our conversation about this weekend and see what happens… this would be our 4th IVF (after 4 IUIs) so we’ll see, I feel kind of open to whatever transpires…. with a little anxiety added to the mix.  Just got to remember that nothing has been decided, and that we will decide together what the next step will be.

Louise

Today is the day that I would have given birth to my baby one year ago, if my baby hadn’t miscarried.  I am sending loving thoughts to that little soul that couldn’t stay. 

I have just participated in a call on With Forgiveness, and I found myself talking about my anger and sadness.  I feel grateful for having the opportunity to forgive myself for the expectations I have had of myself – as a woman, for feeling ‘less than’ and undeserving, and for having expectations that my journey would look a certain way.  I am letting go of what that journey will look like, and how children will feature in my life.  Thats not me giving up, thats just being open to new possibilities.  

I am opening myself up to my sadness of not being a mother as much as I would like to be right now, at a time when we are ‘giving thanks’. ( My mind says why should I be giving thanks…)  In my heart I know there are so many things I am able to give thanks for – I am going to think about all the things in my life I am grateful for, and flood myself with love and compassion over the next few days.   This too, shall pass.

Louise

sit with me for a moment, let me share my day...

I am so pleased to be facilitating this wonderful group starting tomorrow.  Any stragglers still interested, call now, to book your place.   The next one starts in January 2009. (you may put your name on the list now – remember spaces are limited)

I am taking the opportunity to coach myself along the same path the group will be following, by setting the intention to get in touch with Weil Cornell Hospital NY, and making an appointment to see an RE there.  This also means I am committing to collecting the copy of all my notes from my current RE. (why they won’t just send it I don’t know!)  That will be a very good step in the right direction as it will have taken me a year to do collect them!  Talk about procrastination.   My intention is to start an IVF treatment in January 2009, and so I will be laying my ‘fertile foundation’ for this journey.  This will be my 4th IVF.  I feel more equipped for this experience, although interestingly at this point not that attached.  Maybe because it is still a ways off, and doesn’t feel that real yet.   I am 30lbs lighter, my health is good, I am taking my shed loads of folic acid, and will start juicing again on Monday. (juicing is amazing!!! it gives me so much energy and clear-headedness)  I will also be walking at least 3 times a week, to start getting my body moving (I can be a bit of a lazy-bones when it comes to exercise…) and get the blood circulating.  This week will also be the week I organise my acupuncture schedule, so that I am clearing all the energy blocks in my body and nourishing my uterus for the IVF.    Sounds like a lot doesn’t it?  I’ll plan a chat with DH to get support, and see what he can do to help.

I will make a list of everything, and make sure I can schedule it in – ensuring it is do-able!  Please check in to see how I am getting on!  I need your support as much as I will be giving you mine!

I promise to report back at the end of each week, to let you know how I am getting on with my preparation and my journey – emotionally and physically.  This will be my journal…

For all those lovelies out there, who are starting their treatments in January, what are you doing to prepare yourself.   Did you know you can influence the quality of your follicles by preparing your body for 3 months prior to ‘conception’ ?   So preparation is important.   Remember we have the holiday season to get through, and managing ourselves and our body’s wellbeing is imperative if we are going to be ready!   This goes for anyone starting anytime of course.

Well, thats all for now!  I hope you had a wonderful weekend, and a Hallow’d Eve! 

warmly,

Louise

I just watched House, and watched Cutty have to accept that the girl who’s baby she was going to adopt, decided to keep the baby.  I just howled.   It brought up so much emotion for me.  This when I realiseI am still grieving through this process – it really is a back and forth thing.   It made me think of the baby I lost, that would be 1 yr old come Thanksgiving, and that of course set me off again.  Its weird because I haven’t really felt that sad in a fairly long time.  Must have been waiting to jump out at just the right moment.   Poor DH didn’t quite know what to do with me.  Anyway I got out of bed, to cry a little bit more, and do some distracting activities like this.  It helps to write it down and share it with you.  And DH has gone to bed cuddling the cat, after offering to cuddle me.   I thought it best to do something else, otherwise I would have eyes like Quasimodo in the morning.  Not pretty.

The sun sets on today, opening up new possibilities tomorrow...

Hi all,

I had a moment of clarity this morning, a wonderful reminder that it is okay to feel strong emotions, so we can let them go, to bring new and wondrous things into our lives.   It is an opportunity to be able to move out of the grief and beyond, when we allow ourselves to express and experience the grief to begin with.  The society we have been brought up in doesn’t condone showing emotion, particularly for men.  Well its about time that all changed!  We would live much healthier and happier lives if we were able to express our emotions without having to worry about others expectations, and in turn our own.    You can make a change right now, to change your own expectations of yourself and others.

My grandmother’s funeral was today.  It was in Northern Ireland and for a number of reasons I couldn’t be there.   So today has been a bit of weird day for me, but mainly sad.   My DH and I went for a walk in the woods, which was great – it gave me the chance to feel a sense of peace and connectedness, but it also allowed me to  acknowledge how sad I was feeling.    I realised that I was doing what so many of us do, which is fighting the feeling of sadness – that is just too painful to remain in that space, wanting to ’snap out of it’ and feel ‘normal’ again.  Well, ironically as I write this, I recognise that these feelings are ‘normal’…. What is ‘normal’ afterall ?- everyone has a different perception or definition.    I transgress… 

Anyway, I realised I was being impatient and didn’t want to experience feeling such sadness.  It occurred to me, especially because of the work I have done, personally going through the untimely loss of my mother and a miscarriage/ infertility too, and through The Journey experience, that I was forgetting something.   We have to embrace these strong emotions of loss, to be able to move past and beyond them, and to heal.   (That doesn’t mean you forget the person you lost, it just means you are able to let go of the pain, and remember them in genuine and positive way through the wonderful memories you have created together.  Their death doesn’t define them.)   This might not apply to miscarriage or grieving the vision of what our life might have been like – but it is grief all the same.  Some of us hang onto our grief wearing it like a banner for years and years, but how is that serving us and honouring life at large?   Its a great question to ask yourself. 

Through The Journey, which is about healing at a cellular level from emotional and physical wounds,  it became very clear to me that we have to confront our feelings and emotions, to get a sense of freedom and of letting go.  To me, being able to let go, allows us to bring new possibilities into our lives…  to be able to keep going and striving, and living!   I am not saying put a time limit on your grieving, but allow yourself the opportunity to grieve, when it arises – this will help you move through the process of grieving more quickly.

So today, I sit in quiet contemplation embracing my grief not just for this grandmother but also for others I have lost and for myself.    I cancelled all my appointments because I owe it to myself,  I let the tears come when they come,and I am nurturing my soul. 

Bless all those of you who are grieving.   Know that we are all connected.

Warmly,

Louise

www.thejourney.com

Its not as bleak as it seems...

MTHFR Gene Mutation

What is it?
The gene MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydofolate Reductase) encodes the protein MTHFR. Its job is to convert one form of folate (5,10-Methylenetetrahydofolate) to another form of folate (5-Methyltetrahydrofolate). 5-Methyltetrahydrofolate is used to convert Homocysteine (a “bad” amino acid) to Methionine (a “good” amino acid). Therefore, if MTHFR is not doing its job as well, homocysteine will not be converted to Methionine and will be elevated in plasma. Elevated Homocysteine has been associated with a variety of multi-factorial diseases.

Essentially what this means is that the genes that instruct MTHFR to convert homocysteine to Methionine are mutated and may not be capable of doing this important function. MTHFR is an enzyme that converts Homocysteine to an essential amino acid (Methionine). When the genes are mutated you may be lacking this enzyme. Your Homocysteine levels can possibly climb making the blood clot. Some doctors don’t check for the MTHFR mutations and rely only on homocysteine levels. This isn’t as reliable as testing for the mutations, because Homocysteine levels fluctuate (if you catch your level on a normal day, you may go undiagnosed).

What Type Do I Have?
With MTHFR, there are two different genes identified for this mutation, and it’s possible to be “heterozygous,” “compound heterozygous,” or “homozygous.” The MTHFR gene mutation has varying degrees of possible implications. The order of potential severity from most to least is:
1. C677T & C677T (Two C Copies – C677T Homozygous)
2. C677T & A1298C (One Copy of Each The C & A – Compound Heterozygous)
3. C677T (One C Copy – C677T Heterozygous)
4. A1298C & A1298C (Two A Copies – A1298C Homozygous)
5. A1298C (One A Copy – A1298C Heterozygous)

The MTHFR mutation is fairly common in the general population. Approximately 44% of the population is heterozygous and another approximate 12% are homozygous for the MTHFR mutation. Compound heterozygous and homozygous MTHFR have the highest incidences of being linked to implantation failure, late term miscarriages, specific birth defects and overall vascular health. Whichever type of MTHFR you have, it should not be discounted, particularly if there is a personal or family history of any such incidences.

What Are the Implications?
Any and all of the mutations can affect homocysteine levels, but there is much dispute as to whether elevated homocysteine levels are actually needed in order for MTHFR to cause medical complications. Many other MTHFR patients have normal homocysteine levels; yet have had implantation problems, m/c(s), and/or stillbirth(s) due to clotting problems. So it is important to find out your Homocysteine levels (although again, normal doesn’t necessarily mean all is well). This is a serious field and MTHFR is a serious condition, so consulting an expert is wise.

Research shows that high homocysteine levels and/or those with the mutation show a higher propensity for thrombosis (blood clots), arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries), Alzheimer’s, stroke, heart attack, Fibromyalgia, migraines (especially with “Aura” migraines), osteoporotic fractures, bone marrow disorders and for those of child bearing years, it has found to be connected to higher incidences of down’s syndrome, spina bifida, other neural tube defects, trisomy, miscarriage, stillbirth, implantation failure, placental abruption, preeclampsia, higher incidences of autism, amongst others. Additionally, if you test positive you may want to have your parents, siblings, and any children you may already have tested, as well. There are a few positives to this disorder. Because folate is necessary for cellular division, there is support that shows having this disorder can actually help keep certain types of cancer cells from multiplying as rapidly, so there are some benefits from having this mutation.

Treatment?
Many doctors prescribe Folgard, which is a prescription vitamin supplement containing high levels of folic acid, B12 and B6. These vitamins are what the body essentially needs to convert Homocysteine to Methionine. To put this into perspective, the average multivitamin contains 400 mcgs , most prenatals have 800mcgs of Folic Acid (200% of the normal daily value). Those that are compound heterozygous and those that are homozygous for the mutation are recommended taking 5 mgs. of Folic Acid/B vitamins (12 times the average multi-vitamin and 6 times more than prenatals). It is also recommended to begin taking a low dose (LD) aspirin (81 mgs) once a day, every day, for the rest of your life.

For those undergoing fertility treatments, often times the treatment includes Lovenox (low molecular weight heparin) or Heparin (both are anti-coagulants) during the cycle. If you have a history of implantation failure or early miscarriage, it is becoming more acceptable to use the protocol established by the well-respected Reproductive Immunologist Dr. Beers by beginning Lovenox (40mg/once a day) on cycle day 6 and continuing throughout the cycle. If pregnancy is confirmed, this dosage is likely increased (Typically up to 40mg/twice a day, but potentially higher doses are prescribed dependent upon blood work results since homocysteine levels tend to increase with pregnancy) and usage continues throughout your pregnancy. Approximately two to four weeks prior to birth, the patient is converted to Heparin and continues to take an anti-coagulant for another 6 weeks postpartum (typically switched back to Lovenox). During that time, you will typically be directed to take additional Calcium and Vitamin D, as anti-coagulants can cause bone loss (Heparin more so than Lovenox). Some doctors will recommend a bone scan after use is discontinued to ensure there are no bone density issues. While being treated with an anti-coagulant, you will typically be asked to discontinue taking the 81 mg. baby aspirin since the anti-coagulants will replace the need for the thinning property of the LD aspirin. The FDA has placed Lovenox in the pregnancy category B. Lovenox is not expected to be harmful to an unborn baby. It is not known whether Lovenox passes into breast milk or if it could harm a nursing baby. Do not use Lovenox without telling your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby. However, many doctors believe it is fine to breastfeed for the 6 weeks postpartum while still receiving Lovenox.

Not my sunset?....

I am not sure what is going on, but my AF is all over the show.  For the last 4 months I have had quite irregular periods.  The first month, I came on a week early, bled for a day or two, then stopped and started again 5 days later.  Since then I am going through this again for the 3rd time!  We have been travelling a lot and things have been a little topsy turvy, but I am wondering if maybe this isn’t just my system out of whack (because I am like clockwork generally and this has never happened before),  then maybe I am pre-menopausal?!  Mmmm..  that is definitely not where I want to be!   So I think I will call my RE or my gynae and have a chat next week, once AF has left.    Any comments out there!?

Warmly,

Louise

Hi All,                                                            

Me hopefully! in 2009

I finally decided that I wanted to wait until next year 2009 to start the IVF treatment. (No 4)  I feel I need the space to focus on the building blocks of creating a baby, by first focusing on me.  Even I had been planning to in the last few months, I haven’t been able to give it my all because of other distractions, like overseas visitors and travel.  So now is the time.  I am really starting now on  general health, eating and exercising.  Both need improvement, although I am not doing too badly on the eating.  I was told that my cholesterol was very high 294 today, which is amazing because my diet is actually pretty good.  Although I believe it is a genetic problem in my family.   We  also need time to do the research so we know who we want to go with – RE -wise, when the time comes in January.  Yes, we will not be wasting any time once the new year hits!    We both have a couple of trips planned in October and November, and it is going to be crazy trying to physically plan an IVF around those.  So our decision has taken the pressure off!  And I do feel better for it.   Now I can devote my time to really focusing on making a nice fuzzy warm landing place for that little embie/s when the time comes.   

So who is going to join me in the Fertility Foundation Powercircle?!  Whatever stage of the cycle or treatment you are in, feel free to join, to get the much needed support through this process.  We will make the journey lighter, and perhaps even have a little fun!   I really want that for myself in the upcoming preparation.  What do you want for yourself?       (See the post at the top of the site for info about the Powercircle)

Warmly,

Fellow BDer, Louise

Did you know that!?   In fact I believe the Japanese have a contraceptive made thats main ingredient is peas.   I frickin’ love peas!  So when I found that out, I was thinking well no wonder I can’t get pregnant!  Ok its a bit more complicated than that.  But I was eating them like I normally do, like crazy!  Well, I wanted to share that with you, as I have my last big bowl of peas, soaked in butter, as I start the build up to my next IVF.  Yummy.   Migraine has me laid low today, peas are a comfort.   DH is away on a course, so I will indulge… butter is an indulgence for me too.  I have generally cut butter and margerines out of my diet, even from sandwiches.  Its amazing how quickly you can get used not having it.   My cholesterol is an issue, and if you get pregnant, you naturally get even higher cholesterol!    Well, I have to say I would welcome that if it meant being pregnant!  In the meanwhile trying to do what I can to lower it – except tonight.   The rainy weather is causing a pressure system which is probably causing my migraine.

 Hmm that makes me think, I will have to start curtailing the types of painkillers I use, to really be ready to for the IVF.   Not looking forward to dealing with that.  It means constipation – bad!!  Was that more information than you needed?  too bad! hehe!   So its actually is harder to manage the migraines when having to get ready to go through the IVF.  When I fell pregnant on my 2nd IVF ( miscarried at 6 wks 5ds)  last year, I was migraine-free for the duration.  What a great side-effect.   See, there are so many reasons why I should be pregnant!   For those of you who don’t have any idea of what cluster headache / occular migraine is,  I can have between 1 to 5 (sometimes more) migraines in a week.  It is one of the worst kind.  (yes there are lots of different types of migraine) and this type is generally diagnosed more in men.    Wow wouldn’t that be amazing – to be pain free for 9 months AND to have a baby at the end of it!    For some people migraines can get worse through pregnancy, but it has the opposite effect for others.   I found I was one of the latter. 

I went to my Resolve support group last night for the first time in ages.  It was so nice to connect with Michelle and Sue, who were the only others that came, which was perfect because they were ones I wanted to reconnect with.  So we were able to have a good chat.  I hadn’t been for about 4 or 5 months, and didn’t realise how much I had missed it.   It really is a place where you can totally be comfortable talking about your experiences knowing there is understanding, empathy and no judgement.   Generally speaking, when someone hasn’t walked in our shoes, it is very difficult for themno to understand what we are going through, and generally anything they might say, can be irritating or inappropriate….. so support groups are a blessing.   If you haven’t been to one, or joined one, and have infertility challenges, do yourselves a big favour – join one!  Especially if you are one of those who is not willing to share your experience with anyone you know.  It gives you the outlet to talk to others with confidentiality and stops you from feeling isolated, which can easily happen with this experience. 

Well enough rambling from me…

Next week, I will be setting up appointments with a couple of new IVF doctors… thinking of the clinic in Shorthills, NJ, and Weills-Cornell in NY.  My old doctor says he has done all he can….  a fresh perspective is called for! I am not ready to give up yet.  Besides we only found out I had a couple of gene mutations after my 2nd IVF and miscarriage!  So not giving up yet!

love to all on this journey,

Coach Louise