Hi Everyone,

Spring is round the corner!..

Conceive wrote an interesting article today, which I found interesting because its been something I have been wondering about for myself.  I have had severe period pain ever since I started in my early teens, and now I am 40 and I am still having great discomfort at that time of the month!  I am questioning in my own mind now, why my RE hasn’t recommended that I have a laparoscopy to check out what’s been going on inside.

Conceive wrote:

Endometriosis—which occurs when tissue that’s supposed to be lining the uterus winds up outside it—can be mild or severe, with symptoms or without. Some women with the disease will have no trouble getting pregnant. But others will need proper treatment to conceive.

To read Conceive’s article click on this link:

http://www.conceiveonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=142&Itemid=126

An update with where we are right now…

Well, nowhere to be exact!  We are in discussions (DH & I) as to whether to do a final IVF treatment or not.  He is steering towards the No and I am steering towards the Yes.  He will do it, but I want him fully invested in the process.  Why should should us women be the only ones to do any preparation… it takes an Egg AND…a sperm!!

Can you tell I have some emotion around this! Well yes, I am working on it, and know for sure that it has to be something we both want to do – together!

Warmly,

Coach Louise

yes, not really looking forward to all that again!

Hi dear ttc friends,

Well, things are hanging up in the air right now…. Yes, I was meant to start an IVF treatment in January, then we moved it to February… then….   Well, the other day DH said that neither of us had really addressed anything to instigate getting the next treatment started, and what did that mean?…  We both very briefly (I was half asleep in bed, and he was rushing out the door) talked about the resistance we both had about getting started with all of ‘that’, and also DH said that he was feeling more comfortable not having a baby, because he had grown in the last year to understand that we didn’t need a baby to make us more of a family, or for him to be happy, that he realised that he was accessing joy and happiness with other things that excited him and got him inspired.   As he hasn’t been working for the last year, I know he realises that there are financial stresses that wouldn’t help me through the treatment either to support a positive outcome.  Our bodies can be very intuitive like that.    That was kind of where we left it, but I know he needed to say it, as it seemed like a weight off his mind.

So where did that or does that leave me…  its so difficult not to jump into blaming, accusing, assuming all of these that are so destructive to maintaining positive communication in a relationship. I have had a couple of days to think about it, and let it settle before we continue the conversation.    At first – there was  an immediate understanding because I had been through a similar process of personal growth myself, which allowed me to express my fertility in other creative areas of my life.  Then – there was anger, because it felt like he had already made up his mind (assumption!!!!) and then- a what if I want to carry on? in my mind, thinking that that option might be closed to me.( another assumption!)   I think just the idea that we might be shutting the door on creating a life, was a little scarey to me.   The selfish part of me, also sees a future as a lonely old woman with no-one to visit her, I want kids and their kids to visit me!  But I am happy right now as my life is!  There’s a conundrum!

Well, we will have the rest of our conversation about this weekend and see what happens… this would be our 4th IVF (after 4 IUIs) so we’ll see, I feel kind of open to whatever transpires…. with a little anxiety added to the mix.  Just got to remember that nothing has been decided, and that we will decide together what the next step will be.

Louise

Hi All,

I would love to deliver good news to you all who have endured so many awful progesterone injections during the IVF treatment!  There is a possibility that this new study that was published today, might mean a much less painful experience for those women going through fertility treatments.

Here is an excerpt of the article….

SEATTLE, Jan. 14 /PRNewswire/ — Patients undergoing in vitro fertilization self-administer daily injections of progesterone from two to eight weeks after the egg retrieval procedure. The outcome of a new study of an investigational formulation of progesterone could replace these painful intramuscular injections of progesterone in oil with less painful subcutaneous injections.

Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM), along with eight other large fertility centers across the country, has been selected to participate in a study designed to compare the safety and effectiveness of an investigational aqueous formulation of progesterone that will be compared to a form of progesterone administered intra-vaginally.

“For years patients have complained about these injections….

to read more go to this link:

http://sev.prnewswire.com/health-care-hospitals/20090114/AQW08414012009-1.html

and for further information go to http://www.SeattleFertility.com

I hope hearing this gives some of you with needle and pain aversion some hope!

Warmly,

Coach Louise

Peace comes from forgiveness.

When embarking on the infertility journey,  the maze of emotions we move through can be mind-blowing.  Anger, bitterness, resentment are some, as well as the old regulars.. sadness, trepidation, grief, elation, expectation and hope.

I have noticed how many women, have such high expectations of themselves, their bodies, the ability to function ‘as only a woman should’.  And if they don’t , thinking of themselves as failures to themselves, their spouses, and the world.  I know – I’ve been there.

Some of the most profound and liberating work I have done, has been forgiving myself.    As you would have heartfelt compassion ( knowing that you would not wish this on your worst enemy)  how about shining that light of compassion on yourself.  Acknowledge that you have or are doing the best that you can do, in that moment.   That you don’t have control over the outcome.    We women, do try a lot to be ‘perfect’ at everything we do.   If the universe, source or God was looking at you now, he would see someone perfect in his eyes, with all your talents and all your flaws.  That is perfection.   Know that it is okay to be yourself as you are.  Acknowledge your sadness, your anger, and frustration, particularly when they are aimed at yourself.  Allow those emotions to surface, … and then let them pass.    Say to yourself, from your heart, that you forgive yourself -  first of all for being so hard on yourself, and secondly for having such high expectations of ourselves, and of course if you have anything else to forgive yourself for.  Spend some time nurturing yourself, and reminding yourself of the gifts you bring to this world.

lovingly,

Coach Louise

PS Don’t forget if you interested in getting some loving support and focus on your journey, to enquire with me about the Fertile Foundation Powercircle.

Join me!

Hi to all my dear friends,

If you are thinking how nice it would be to talk to people going through the same or similar things to you, and get some real support, then this is the place for you. 

We will meet once a week on the phone, teleconference style, to talk as a group (limited to 6 people).   I am so looking forward to facilitating this type of meeting where we can be heard, speak authentically, and take small steps to creating our amazing future, with or without the end result we desire so much.  We will be there every step of the way.  We have a big one coming soon – the holidays… how do we handle family, and friends, and  gatherings with children/babies in tow?!  This is just one of many things we will get to discuss in our special group.  Lets take the opportunity to empower ourselves!

If you are interested and want to know more about this, please email me on louise@keystoclarity.com or respond to this post.    The group starts on the Monday the 3rd of November 2008 at 12noon Eastern Standard Time.  (GMT -5hrs)  

lovingly yours,

Coach Louise

PS  I know there are some wonderful women I have been blogging with on this special journey (you know who you are)  and I would be so happy for you to join me by participating in this unique experience!  Consider yourself invited!

The sun sets on today, opening up new possibilities tomorrow...

Hi all,

I had a moment of clarity this morning, a wonderful reminder that it is okay to feel strong emotions, so we can let them go, to bring new and wondrous things into our lives.   It is an opportunity to be able to move out of the grief and beyond, when we allow ourselves to express and experience the grief to begin with.  The society we have been brought up in doesn’t condone showing emotion, particularly for men.  Well its about time that all changed!  We would live much healthier and happier lives if we were able to express our emotions without having to worry about others expectations, and in turn our own.    You can make a change right now, to change your own expectations of yourself and others.

My grandmother’s funeral was today.  It was in Northern Ireland and for a number of reasons I couldn’t be there.   So today has been a bit of weird day for me, but mainly sad.   My DH and I went for a walk in the woods, which was great – it gave me the chance to feel a sense of peace and connectedness, but it also allowed me to  acknowledge how sad I was feeling.    I realised that I was doing what so many of us do, which is fighting the feeling of sadness – that is just too painful to remain in that space, wanting to ’snap out of it’ and feel ‘normal’ again.  Well, ironically as I write this, I recognise that these feelings are ‘normal’…. What is ‘normal’ afterall ?- everyone has a different perception or definition.    I transgress… 

Anyway, I realised I was being impatient and didn’t want to experience feeling such sadness.  It occurred to me, especially because of the work I have done, personally going through the untimely loss of my mother and a miscarriage/ infertility too, and through The Journey experience, that I was forgetting something.   We have to embrace these strong emotions of loss, to be able to move past and beyond them, and to heal.   (That doesn’t mean you forget the person you lost, it just means you are able to let go of the pain, and remember them in genuine and positive way through the wonderful memories you have created together.  Their death doesn’t define them.)   This might not apply to miscarriage or grieving the vision of what our life might have been like – but it is grief all the same.  Some of us hang onto our grief wearing it like a banner for years and years, but how is that serving us and honouring life at large?   Its a great question to ask yourself. 

Through The Journey, which is about healing at a cellular level from emotional and physical wounds,  it became very clear to me that we have to confront our feelings and emotions, to get a sense of freedom and of letting go.  To me, being able to let go, allows us to bring new possibilities into our lives…  to be able to keep going and striving, and living!   I am not saying put a time limit on your grieving, but allow yourself the opportunity to grieve, when it arises – this will help you move through the process of grieving more quickly.

So today, I sit in quiet contemplation embracing my grief not just for this grandmother but also for others I have lost and for myself.    I cancelled all my appointments because I owe it to myself,  I let the tears come when they come,and I am nurturing my soul. 

Bless all those of you who are grieving.   Know that we are all connected.

Warmly,

Louise

www.thejourney.com

Did you know that!?   In fact I believe the Japanese have a contraceptive made thats main ingredient is peas.   I frickin’ love peas!  So when I found that out, I was thinking well no wonder I can’t get pregnant!  Ok its a bit more complicated than that.  But I was eating them like I normally do, like crazy!  Well, I wanted to share that with you, as I have my last big bowl of peas, soaked in butter, as I start the build up to my next IVF.  Yummy.   Migraine has me laid low today, peas are a comfort.   DH is away on a course, so I will indulge… butter is an indulgence for me too.  I have generally cut butter and margerines out of my diet, even from sandwiches.  Its amazing how quickly you can get used not having it.   My cholesterol is an issue, and if you get pregnant, you naturally get even higher cholesterol!    Well, I have to say I would welcome that if it meant being pregnant!  In the meanwhile trying to do what I can to lower it – except tonight.   The rainy weather is causing a pressure system which is probably causing my migraine.

 Hmm that makes me think, I will have to start curtailing the types of painkillers I use, to really be ready to for the IVF.   Not looking forward to dealing with that.  It means constipation – bad!!  Was that more information than you needed?  too bad! hehe!   So its actually is harder to manage the migraines when having to get ready to go through the IVF.  When I fell pregnant on my 2nd IVF ( miscarried at 6 wks 5ds)  last year, I was migraine-free for the duration.  What a great side-effect.   See, there are so many reasons why I should be pregnant!   For those of you who don’t have any idea of what cluster headache / occular migraine is,  I can have between 1 to 5 (sometimes more) migraines in a week.  It is one of the worst kind.  (yes there are lots of different types of migraine) and this type is generally diagnosed more in men.    Wow wouldn’t that be amazing – to be pain free for 9 months AND to have a baby at the end of it!    For some people migraines can get worse through pregnancy, but it has the opposite effect for others.   I found I was one of the latter. 

I went to my Resolve support group last night for the first time in ages.  It was so nice to connect with Michelle and Sue, who were the only others that came, which was perfect because they were ones I wanted to reconnect with.  So we were able to have a good chat.  I hadn’t been for about 4 or 5 months, and didn’t realise how much I had missed it.   It really is a place where you can totally be comfortable talking about your experiences knowing there is understanding, empathy and no judgement.   Generally speaking, when someone hasn’t walked in our shoes, it is very difficult for themno to understand what we are going through, and generally anything they might say, can be irritating or inappropriate….. so support groups are a blessing.   If you haven’t been to one, or joined one, and have infertility challenges, do yourselves a big favour – join one!  Especially if you are one of those who is not willing to share your experience with anyone you know.  It gives you the outlet to talk to others with confidentiality and stops you from feeling isolated, which can easily happen with this experience. 

Well enough rambling from me…

Next week, I will be setting up appointments with a couple of new IVF doctors… thinking of the clinic in Shorthills, NJ, and Weills-Cornell in NY.  My old doctor says he has done all he can….  a fresh perspective is called for! I am not ready to give up yet.  Besides we only found out I had a couple of gene mutations after my 2nd IVF and miscarriage!  So not giving up yet!

love to all on this journey,

Coach Louise

I had to bring attention to Invisible Illness Week which is this week.  Especially when it comes women dealing with chronic illness or pain  and also having the challenge of infertility!  Infertility could also be seen as an invisible illness.  I don’t like it being referred to as a ‘disease’  which kind of makes me feel a victim, or being broken, or something you can catch…  Anyhow the combination of pain or illness and fertility is a really big challenge.  I know what this is like because of being a migraineur (cluster headaches/occular migraines) and I am sure that the physical and emotional stress of that together with trying to creating a life can have a huge effect. It probably also has a lot to do with why I haven’t been successful yet on the road to creating a family through treatments.   So I really want to support those of you out there who have this double condition, and know that you are not alone. 

Warmly,

Coach Louise Crooks