Hi dear ttc friends,
Well, things are hanging up in the air right now…. Yes, I was meant to start an IVF treatment in January, then we moved it to February… then…. Well, the other day DH said that neither of us had really addressed anything to instigate getting the next treatment started, and what did that mean?… We both very briefly (I was half asleep in bed, and he was rushing out the door) talked about the resistance we both had about getting started with all of ‘that’, and also DH said that he was feeling more comfortable not having a baby, because he had grown in the last year to understand that we didn’t need a baby to make us more of a family, or for him to be happy, that he realised that he was accessing joy and happiness with other things that excited him and got him inspired. As he hasn’t been working for the last year, I know he realises that there are financial stresses that wouldn’t help me through the treatment either to support a positive outcome. Our bodies can be very intuitive like that. That was kind of where we left it, but I know he needed to say it, as it seemed like a weight off his mind.
So where did that or does that leave me… its so difficult not to jump into blaming, accusing, assuming all of these that are so destructive to maintaining positive communication in a relationship. I have had a couple of days to think about it, and let it settle before we continue the conversation. At first – there was an immediate understanding because I had been through a similar process of personal growth myself, which allowed me to express my fertility in other creative areas of my life. Then – there was anger, because it felt like he had already made up his mind (assumption!!!!) and then- a what if I want to carry on? in my mind, thinking that that option might be closed to me.( another assumption!) I think just the idea that we might be shutting the door on creating a life, was a little scarey to me. The selfish part of me, also sees a future as a lonely old woman with no-one to visit her, I want kids and their kids to visit me! But I am happy right now as my life is! There’s a conundrum!
Well, we will have the rest of our conversation about this weekend and see what happens… this would be our 4th IVF (after 4 IUIs) so we’ll see, I feel kind of open to whatever transpires…. with a little anxiety added to the mix. Just got to remember that nothing has been decided, and that we will decide together what the next step will be.